I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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