i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
