I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
