Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
