I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
