Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
