my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
