In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
