i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
