Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
