I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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