if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
