I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
