dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
