I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
