Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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