I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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