There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm passing your future prison.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
