sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
