My hand turned me down
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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