My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
