I wish I could teleport
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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