I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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