I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
