words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
