mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
