I accidentally had phone sex last night
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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