That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
