textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
