Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
