I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
