god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
