Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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