I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
