Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
