he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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