I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
