i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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