Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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