Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
