I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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