Soap is not a condiment
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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