Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
