If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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