I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
