She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
