So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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