I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
