one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
