party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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