I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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