Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
