Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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