Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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