I wish I could teleport
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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