it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
