I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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